it saddens me that national binge day is approaching. i'm not even attempting to lose this week, it's absurd and really fucking depressing might i add. get ready for family festivities and judgmental retinas cursing my bones because oh, woe is me, i still have that damn eating disorder. but the funny thing is: i'm actually at my highest weight, but my family members will still shove meat down my throat. everything about thanksgiving is just so depressing. no god, i'm not thanking you for this gravy (which is pure fatastical fat) and no im not thanking you for that grease crusted turkey concoction sitting in front of me. no, you see god, i play it like blair waldorf and will probably be hurling up that bird. am i crude? isn't everyone..

anyways. i dumped my most recent boyfriend. thank god. and today he came to school and i just realized how fucking fat he is. like, his face, it;s fat. it looks like pudge and shit and cunt. it looks like cunt, yeah, a cunt. a pleshy fleshy fat cunt. wow, this is really crude.

anyways. he doesn't matter. we never did much together and i only dated him for money (shock!). he bought me lots of gifts, which i may miss a tiny bit. maybe i even feel bad for dumping this fool- wait no i don't. yeah right, i never feel bad. he's ugly. i dont like touching ugly, being around ugly, seeing ugly, sensing ugly in the fucking room. no. go fuck a turkey.

the truth is that i think im in love with my longtime love. sam. i know i know this is probably an awful thing to admitt, but six years later i still love him? he's been making me so anxious and it's driving me crazy. whenever i even twitch with emotion, you know it has to be something epic. something about him clicks with me. he gets me. inside, outside, backwards and fowards. i've never felt so understood, or appreciated.

he accepts that i love to puke. what a catch!

fuck a turkey lick a turkey,
stay skinny,
k

i've got mad love for bones and i'm sick of feeling fat.
i  have a boyfriend i don't even like.
i'm seriously contemplating dumping him for my ex -
coke.

i will post a real update tomorrow because there's lots to tell.
but as for right now,
i think this is my last relapse.
i'm pretty sure i'm going to lose the most i've ever lost.
i feel like i've lost myself mentally.
now i just need to lose myself physically. 
i'm really good at this.
so i will keep you updated.

i can help even the biggest fat ass
lose it till they look like miss lohan.
just make sure you don't lose your mind along with the pounds.

no food this week.
this week does not deserve food.
i will get drunk on friday and those will be my calories for the week.
dope.


i look fantastic in herve leger.

but i
want
to
look
better.

hello 80.